06/04/2025

My first camino lesson (or what I assume is a camino lesson because I don't want to presume) comes to me just over a month before I actually embark on the journey. I have spent pretty much all afternoon and evening fretting over whether I should go on a run to train because I don't have time for a walk, and I fretted so hard that I ran out of time itself. I've talked to my loved ones for too long on the phone, and now I'm just worrying and worrying about the first day. St. Jean Pied de Port to Roncesvalles, 25.1 km but the 1'320m incline over the first 20km makes it feel like 32.6. And I'm worried because I still haven't tried walking more than 20, but I've got so much coursework to do that it's going to be hard to find time to train properly.
I spent all afternoon shopping for materials I'll need (hiking shorts. hiking pants. period underwear. hiking fleece. rain shell. collapsible 2L water bottle), like it'll somehow make the first day easier to have these things, or like I can somehow anticipate my own needs on the trail enough to get over the Pyrenees.

I guess I'm afraid because this is something I've wanted to do all my life, and I'm scared that I'll let myself down like I've let myself down so many times before. So many unfinished projects, some of them even hikes. So many unfinished stories and unfinished paintings and drawings and knitting and crochet projects and clay crafts. I sit on a graveyard of unfinished work that is so much larger than all the things I have managed to get done. So what if I can't finish this? The first day of a dream I've had since I was no older than 11, flipping through a travel magazine and landing on a picture of a dark statue backlit by a broody sky and a caption that read something like "Camino Mysteries", and knowing that I had to do it someday.

But as I load dishes into the dishwasher, I remember that I can't control everything. In fact, I can control mostly nothing. What I can do is try my best to train and study hard with the time and resources I have between now and then, and trust the process itself. The whole point is to embrace the path, the literal Camino.

"Caminante, no hay camino,
se hace camino al andar."
Antonio Machado