Camino de Santiago Camino de Santiago 
I have no idea what to write just now. I'm like, dead on my feet even though I'm fully lying down in the albergue.
So we did it, we completed the dreaded first day that I was really worried about and it was somehow Not That Bad™, and I haven't had a horrific panic attack out of overexertion like I did when Grandpa and I hiked up San Juan de Gaztelugatxe. I think the key was making sure I actually ate food when I needed to, and stopping for lots of breaks/sitting down when needed as well. Somewhere along the way I felt like there was some deeper lesson here, a sense of trust in myself and the process.
Gary, the Canadian hospitalero who gave us our first stamp at the pilgrim office in SJPDP encouraged us to send our packs to the albergue ahead of us, to make "hard things easier". I felt like there was something to that - helping myself make hard things easier, as opposed to just going for the easy thing and missing the view and sense of accomplishment (we were fully going to take the Valcarlos route before Gary insisted that we would regret not taking the Napoleon).
Here are a few highlights from the walk today:
A gorgeous sunrise this morning, all pink and orange and misty over the mountains
The feeling of accomplishment as we got higher and higher and higher up in the hills and saw deeper and deeper valleys forming below.
The cloaking of grey mist that covered almost the entirety of our walk from the border with Spain onwards, the kind that feels both beautiful and refreshing but also closely lethal. Being made aware of the proximity of danger is a gift.
The deep woodlands we walked through, which when we saw them from above looked like miles and miles of uninterrupted trees.
Everything feeling a bit enchanted, especially in the woodland areas which really made you want to believe in fairies and the basajaún
Lovely, loving conversations with my partner. A sense of support for each other, as well as our snack and lunch stops and getting to share food and enjoy each other's company.
The collector's glee of adding stampts from the refuge d'Orisson and the Roncesvalles Albergue.
The feeling of being warm, dry, and clean after a long day of hiking.
Finishing something I didn't think I could do.
The wingspan of vultures
The bird that sang back to my partner when he whistled a tune
The cat who followed us along for some of the most difficult/steepest parts of the trail.
The group of cows napping in the sun (and the tiny calf sleeping amidst them)
Not so nice things:
Mean hospitaleros (but honestly who could handle 400 people rocking up all at once? I certainly couldn't)
Worrying about my vision and losing my mind and throwing up or having a brain tumour and dying young (dying at all, really)
Internet forms that don't work
Transnational admin and constant reminders that academic work never takes a vacation.
I'm not going to lie when I say that today was hard as all hell. Harder than yesterday probably because the first day adrenaline was gone and our bodies were still tired from the crazy ascent of the Pyrenees.
Basically, the minute I put on my pack, it was all over. I developed blisters between my toes and it took me a solid 6km even just to get into the rhythm of walking without internally fighting the process.
Sometimes you need to have patience with something before you can realistically enter a flow state. Everything requires activation energy (I wish it didn't), and some things and days need longer than others.
The vegetation was beautiful, though. It felt so nice to be surrounded by trees on all sides. Now that I think about it, it's been so long since I've just been in the woods. There was a moment where the trees had a bent, and shafts of sunlight fell through them in such a way that it almost felt like a forest greeting. A questioning "hello", neither welcoming nor shunning. Just "hi, stranger. Who are you?"
The animals we're seeing really offer a lot of cheer en route. We saw a cow fully sticking its tongue out drinking rainwater pouring from the gutter, then coughing and spluttering (poor thing). There was a baby foal running around a field. A pink-bellied chaffinch or bullfinch hopped around a fallen log. A sparrow jumped over to us and stayed a while as we split an oatmeal raisin cookie.
But I haven't gotten to the RAIN. Oh my god, it was a downpour. At points I was genuinely afraid, mainly because the thunder reminded me of all those kid's adventure guides I used to read as a kid, the ones that telll you never to be out on top of a hill in a storm. And oops, that's exactly where we were. I was afraid of lightning, I was afraid of falling and slipping and someone getting badly hurt when the slope became a fast running muddy river, and all we could do was trudge along the banks and plant our poles in for dear life.
By the time we got to the albergue we were soaked through. I am genuinely worried the boots won't dry by morning (edit: they didn't, see Santo Domingo de la Calzada (day 9) for a rundown of that mess). I'm scared a lot, now that I think about it.
Now that we're lying at the albergue, I think we're both exhausted and low-key a bit demoralized because all this gear cost a lot of money, and the albergue and meals are costing more money than we thought, too. I just asked my partner what would make that kind of expense worth it for him. I'm afraid sometimes I force him to tag along to things he doesn't want to do/spend money he doesn't have on something he doesn't really care about (the Camino was always my thing).
Some other noteworthy things:
Saw a massive hawk stabilizing itself in the air
Lots of trees growing all gnarly and twisted, some also growing together (they are canonically in love)
Bizcocho at breakfast this morning was awesome dipped in milk.
My body seems to be slowly leaning toward rhythm and adaptation (I haven't struggled to get up at 6AM)
My partner being here with me.
Some things I wish weren't the case (but are):
I don't feel like talking or being social, which may make me miss out on the full Camino experience, but I'm hopeful if I follow my instinct and keep getting used to it some more, things will shift if they need to.